8 Literary Predictions for 2015

Jonathan Franzen’s new novel, due in the Fall, will miss its release date after Franzen becomes addicted to the PS Vita he got for Christmas and fails to finish the thing.

Kanye West will win the Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize, not for his lyrics but for the way he moves through the world.

Jonathan Lethem will be imprisoned after hijacking a city bus and forcing the terrified passengers to endure a nine-hour lecture on Philip K Dick’s use of the word ‘the’ in Valis.

Heather will dump that dickweed and we’ll get back together after she reads this super fucking sensitive poem I wrote for her.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook Book Club initiative will result in Michiko Kakutani’s suicide.

Scientists will discover that if you get Joyce Carol Oates wet and feed her after midnight she transforms into TC Boyle.

Poetry that rhymes is coming back in a big way.

A team of researchers will finally discover how Infinite Jest ends.