Another winter storm means that once again schools and businesses are closed, your Facebook timeline is clogged with pictures of the Wal-Mart check-out line, and every single driver on the road is crying in one voice about the inadequacy of every single other driver. If you’re like me, there’s nothing you like more under such conditions than to snuggle up and keep warm with books. If that sounds good but you don’t know where to start, consider these suggestions…
The Poetry of Robert Frost
Think about how many poems have been written since Frost died in 1963. Millions, right? But we keep coming back to these. Isn’t it time we moved on? This book is pretty big—over six hundred pages—so it should burn for a while. And if you do end up having some sick urge to revisit a Frosty favorite later on, you can find anything he ever wrote for free online.
Anything by Charles Bukowski
Having some Bukowski around the house makes sense if you’re under the age of 23. If you’re older than 23, it’s time to admit that you only still have these out of sentimentality. We both know you’ll never read these things again, that if you tried you’d just blanche at how much meaning you used to find in the endless descriptions of sad old butts and hobo vomit. I say light ‘em up, whatever age you are. If you’re over 23 it’ll lighten the load next time you move, and if you’re under 23 it’ll maybe help you get your life together a little bit faster.
Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
You will never get all the way through this. You’ll keep trying, sure. Every year or so you’ll say, this time I’m going straight through, and once again you’ll get to about page 150, right around where Slothrop is imagining getting sucked into a toilet or whatever, and you’ll put it aside. Torch it. Next year you can dedicate that reading time to something you might actually finish.
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism by Bill W.
This is another biggie, good for when the fire starts running a little low. You might have some hesitation about burning this one, I get that, but lets examine that hesitation. You really need some book telling you what to do? Having this dependency on a book, on these rigid rules and regulations, is that freedom? Because to me? That sounds like slavery. And anyway, what’s wrong with having a little fun from time to time? Sure, you maybe got a little out of control there for a while, but that was over a year ago. You know who needs rigid rules and regulations to keep their lives under control? Children. Are you a child? Or are you an adult, capable of deciding for yourself what’s right and what’s wrong?
So Far…by Kelsey Grammer
Kelsey Grammer’s memoir? Why do you have this? Did your doctor tell you that you would die if you didn’t get more exposure to smugness? Burn this and the books on either side of it on your bookshelf, just in case something leaked out and infected them.